Landmark.

Wuz supposed to go for K's special evening today.
Tried my best, unsuccessfully....n din wanna do something that I wanted without taking into consideration how M felt about the whole thing. I argued with M big time tho'...raked up past issues I never really wanted to deal with..left a bad taste in da mouth. It is absolutely essential to not leave loopholes in your interactions with others. You need to be complete in whatever you do. It has to be win/win always. But getting to such a situation is really painful. Is the end result worth that pain? I still dont know....coz I never really gave myself or things a chance.There are so many situations and people that I have just let go simply because I never wanted things to get ugly.The times I tried to set things right and also get what I wanted have always left scars. After all what is it worth....is mental peace and a harmonious or comparatively less bitter-than-it-might-get-later-if-I-tried-to-do-something-about-it relationship more important or getting what you really want all the time by hurting all the people involved more important?
M was really stubborn and I got tired of the effort of convincing M after listening to M's constant rantings.
Needless to say I got quite annoyed at having to undertake so much effort for something which did not need any effort at all. I spoke my mind and kaboom!!! N then swept the whole issue under the carpet as usual accepting for a fact it wasnt ever gonna change. K tells me to experience the power being created for me by K. But Im again playing yes-but and wondering how K can be so patient with me. K asks me if I trust in K's capability to bring back who I really was. I shake my head in the affirmative but hesitant nevertheless."It never works" is my reason this time. K can see thru it effortlessly and say that its a stupid old story so easily but its reality for me right now.....stupid old reality.
Have been avoiding a few people lately for the same reasons.... What do I really want neway? I dont know if Im complete with some issues.
Its getting to me now...M comes to campus at the same time that S does and J accosts me on the way to the canteen. All hell breaks loose...the three of them fight about reservation and I wish the earth would swallow me and never throw up again. Im missing Ramya big time. K and the others proceed in K's car for the special evening.....I wistfully look on while still walking with M towards the canteen. M asks me a few questions and passes a few sneering remarks at them. I dont know how to react. I need my space. But M considers it rude of me to ask for my own space.....M is highly paranoid about my safety with anybody other than M. But how long is M gonna be in mah life neway? Thats a reality M never wants to accept.

Its funny....what I want is always at loggerheads with whatever else I want. So Ive stopped wanting nething now. Things just happen ....people go away... I let them go away....what I wanted once goes away always. Im peaceful this way. Its lonely here but Im peaceful. Wanting to do something will only fuel the desire to execute it. Let things be. Let people be. I can never ask for a good relationship with M or R or B. I am not complete in my interaction with any of them. Its too much effort and things will only get worse if I tried any further. I want to call but why should I call? I want to message but why should I message? Do any of them understand the unspoken word....mebbe Im being too stringent....but Im truly tired now. Where is the power? I know its being created somewhere by dearest K, but why is it not reaching me? Why is R hiding from me? Why is B so unpredictable?
I want to study but I dont feel like doing anything except sleeping.
Guess Ive been applying too much of kohl in my eyes .....makes me feel drowsy.