The beginning of the end.

Hmmm.....I thought I would never come back here...but Ive decided to come when I can...Id prolly be able to post for mebbe just an year more....not even an year...prolly five or six months.
Its all coming to a close....everything.....I wish time froze. I wish I got everything I ever wanted in life but still continued to be this way....free.

Im still missing out on one thing though.... and its love....somehow I never seem to be able to fall in love. This seems to be the ideal time to fall in love...but there is just nobody good (or bad??) enough for me to fall in love with.

Ive been trying to analyse what is it like to be in love.....is it the weak-in-the-knees feeling?....naah...thats infatuation!!
Is it a sense of comfort?....but thats friendship!
What is it?? Listening to savage garden....truly madly deeply.....really wish somebody sang that for me!!!....but is that love??....thats just being in love with the idea of love.... Ive just realised im sooo in love with the idea of being in love that ive never really fallen in love with anybody.
I see people around me.... all "in love".....requited and unrequited both. There is just this slight tinge of envy (not jealousy) I have for all the people who have found who they wanted or wanted whoever they found.....for the rest I feel a little sorry but I cant understand their plight either.....and dont want to be in their situation.....am i running away?....naah!
I cant....I cant...I cant!....its impossible.....but I want to! This is a very silly predicament to be in....not be able to fall in love at all. Mebbe I should stop worrying so much about falling in love, if I really want to fall in love.....Ok...how badly do I want to fall in love?....Once I do fall in love will I really "fall" in a way that I will get hurt? Is real love only full of pain? Then I dont want to. But I want to....is it love that I should hold on to, or the person I love that I should hold on to? Why should I hold on to anything or anybody anyway?...what purpose does it serve?
Almost all of my friends are committed... Im single....I was always happy this way.... but as my undergrad draws to a close I feel like falling in with the rest of my friends....how did they ever manage to get themselves partners?

No....its never gonna happen to me......its impossible....it always fails to accost me. It always runs away before I can understand it. Its too much hardwork.