Dear Lord

Its been a long time since I wrote to you. Strange are thy ways- I am lost.
The transient nature of this life only becomes more apparent to me with every passing day, yet why is this urgency to amass materialistic possessions still there?
I am like a baby learning to walk, faltering along the way - reverting back to my old self every now and then -spoiling the little spiritual wealth I have amassed.
One step forward and two steps backward is , algebraically speaking one step backward. I may be going backward at a slower rate though. I have to graduate to zero steps backward and then move on to one step forward without any steps backward.

At this point seriously speaking I don't know why did some recent events take place in my life. I have tried interpreting them in a thousand different ways. I have become disillusioned at times and taken backward steps I shouldnt have taken. I have discovered that somewhere deep down trust/faith is a huge issue - the one thing that is required to be in constant connection with You.

From overwhelming faith to nagging distrust I've been through the motions, swinging like a pendulum. Now Im in the neutral position, waiting for somebody/something- You actually - to rescue me. Yes - I ve been a bad woman - lost my temper, fought with people, passed judgements on people , been sarcastic, lazy , negative , mischievous , deceiving , much too attached to the world and what not - its just a manifestation of a deeper frustration I have always had lifelong, and which has off late peaked. It seemed like You'd finally smiled - now Im lost again !!

I ask Your forgiveness and only want for You to be happy. Guide me where You will and give me strength to overcome negative impulses. This is an attempt to connect with You. My life is meaningless without having reached You. I pray You guide me to Your vision this very second.
At least let me know what else I must do to overcome this overwhelming tendency towards the temptations of this world.
I love You....yes I do....else I would not be writing this. I need You this second onwards, every second, till You guide me to You. Hold my hand , pick me up when I fall. Let me not do wrong things with greater intensity.
If You were so easy to attain, everybody would get to You. I am afraid of being misled, which is why I am lost. My rational mind will not let me believe, even though I believed for sometime. Please give me an answer. I am sure You will not deny this little girl. But do so only if it makes You happy.

With all the love my spiritually challenged heart can give You

Forever yours

- me