Everybody needs a little time away.

Well...freedom is an inside job. So getting away is probably an excuse ...but then I have always had very idealistic definitions of everything in life....idealistic love, idealistic care, idealistic freedom.....ultimately it all boils down to your belief/view about a certain thing and the stance you choose to take in the face of everything. Maybe the stance I have chosen keeps convincing me that the world is no good and there is no good in the world. I increasingly feel that all this is here today, gone tomorrow....sometimes you want to hold on on to that one wisp of hope that "someone somewhere" gives you....but then start feeling that hope is a dangerous thing.....do you even want to hold on??...well I do!...right now I do....but Im scared of finalities in life...Im scared of having to take something to a definitive point in life....I just want to reach the finish line thats all....I want to be pushed there....I have no desire to come first second or third...it is for this fear that I dont want to hold on to anyone or anything...not even myself.....I just want to surrender all and be rest assured that things will work out for the best.

Actually I dont think He loves me....if He does I cant feel it. I feel forsaken. Where Is My Eternal Beloved? Why is He doing this to me?