The Unstoppable...

She was content in herself. She had learnt to be. It wasnt the easiest task on earth to give up your need for fun and a circle just to please your folks at home....just to keep the fragile peace of the household. It wasnt easy to be constantly blamed for the foolishness of adults and still keep a straight face and carry on with life as if nothing happened. She knew self pity would get her nowhere. Inspite of all the opposition at home she had still managed to make some friends who she knew would stand by her if anything went wrong....time tested good friends....there were others too... who claimed they would be loyal to her...but she left it to time to judge their loyalty...she would never be rude to any one tho'... at least she tried not to....because of all the pent up frustration she was afraid to be rude....she was afraid her frustration might just spill over someday and mortify somebody who she did not intend to hurt.....she was afraid to be a lil too overbearing....it might just spoil the good she had in her life...like it spoiled those of her folks.She would find other routes to vent it instead... she decided she would never force anybody to talk to her if they din want to... what if they blamed her for something she hadnt done?She would not be able to live with that guilt and pain for the rest of her life....because ppl only believe loud lies rather than the quiet truth...she left it to ppl to make the choice....their loss not hers... it would hurt her too...actually hurt her more than it hurt them because she so foolishly gave her friendship to all who asked for it. She loved her family...they were all she had....but she could share nothing with them.....

She faced up to it....she tried to interest herself with one too many things just so she wouldnt have to think abt it..she would everyday set a new target for herself and would not rest till it had been achieved..she accomplished an amazing amount of things...but she still felt empty...she was not used to a circle of friends but she had lots of them....she taught herself to keep laughing....it was almost like forcefully pushing dirt under the carpet but thats wat she did!People saw a different side of her outside.....it felt almost guilty to "fool" them that way....but she wasnt harming them neway.... she was just trying to hard not to let that pain out...because nobody wants to listen to a sob story. She was both eager and tremendously afraid to be a social animal.... too afraid to make a social faux pas and be laughed at in a gathering of ppl...as a child she was never allowed to freely socialise...she was taught to believe that everywhere she went would be a bad influence for her...as a child she wanted to...but now partly because her folks did not like the "mindless" fun her friends had and partly because she herself feared making a mockery out of herself she carefully avoided any such invitations where she might have to try too hard to look good....it came effortlessly to other people ...but she wasnt used to it remember??She had to first break free from her current set up if she wanted half a chance to do well socially. She knew...she had already lost many a good chance because of her fear of intermingling...she had to overcome this fear somehow...she tried to rationalise her fear by telling herself that her position on the social index did not matter in the long run...she had a different skill set and could choose a career to satisfy her skill set....thats wat she did....she chose a different career....but she could not run away from the truth....she had to face up to it because someday it would fall like a ton of bricks on her...she had always wanted to be on top...give the orders and get the work done....right now she was doing just that....oddly though she always thought she wasnt cut out to be in a managerial position simply because she did not have the skill set to survive right at the top...u know soft skills...she always felt inadequate there.....it was slowly eating away and eroding all of her self confidence...but she would try to think of something new to achieve every time she got an attack of "that horrid feeling of emptiness".

It was impossible for her....but she decided that she was responsible for all her fears....it sapped her emotionally to keep telling herself that she was the one making all the choices and that if she wanted to she could break free from her fear and establish herself as a successful businesswoman....she always wanted to..right from the day she first started going to school..something told her she had the power to do what she wanted to....she had proved it to herself time and again...she had always got watever she set her eyes on....but she never believed it enough....and she was spoiling the rest of her life in her fear and her sense of social non accomplishment....she so desperately wanted somebody to hold her hand and hug her and tell her it was just another target she had to achieve and that she could be the perfect hostess and professional at once....but the fear of embarassment mortified her....it was un-understandable for anybody who had not been through what she had....she had made mistakes everywhere else and learnt to be brazen abt it and carry on....but this was something that simply left her dazed and blinking like an idiot....she just din know where to start....she tried cultivating interests other than those that she had been brought up on and had learnt to like because she loved her family and wanted to please them... but she had to do it secretly because they did not approve of it...but she would do it she vowed....she was not gonna be victimised once more....it would be a painful process but she would emerge victorious...her policy was simple....if u miss one opportunity create another.....thats how she achieved watever she had achieved uptil now...people looked up to her for what she was...but it did not matter to her....because she could not mix with those people no matter how hard she tried
Somewhere she was tired of everything....of being good and sweet and doing everything right...she wanted to be "bad" just for a day..just to defy..she wanted to be free...she wanted everything the easy way....but she knew that was wrong in principle...sometimes the possibility of short term success through apparently not so unfair ways lured her so much that she had to resist desiring things altogether!....after all what did it matter....its wat everybody did...n nobody raised an eyebrow!But she knew in the long run that wasnt good either....it wasnt good fer her peace of mind...coz wat goes around comes around....and most of all she did not want to bring down the two people who had brought her up...her parents.That sense of guilt would not let her sleep....but this sense of inadequacy wasnt either.
She wanted to live like a royal....she wanted to help the sick and the dying...she would need a lot of money....n it had to be her own....she did not want to be obliged to somebody for the rest of her life...because if you are obliged to somebody you are also in a weaker position than him/her...you are in their power n they kin say watever they want to you.....she did not want that to happen....people(her own family too) sometimes thought she was proud and cold and unfeeling and indifferent....but she was just protecting herself.

She refused to let anybody into her dreams lest they should trample upon and attempt to break them with their unfeeling cruel words...she refused to let anybody hurt her...tho' she was already hurt...foolish aint it?A portion of herself she would never bare to the world....that part of her which was dying slowly yet was creating a new possibility every second....before it died she had to reach where she wanted to. She would do it.... she was unstoppable...those who were willing to join her on her journey were welcome...but to win her trust they would have to bear her indifference....they had to understand that she did care....she cared more than they ever would care for her..n if they chose to leave her midway she would not stop them because she cared for them and valued their freedom as much as her own...but she was too afraid to let them know....after all she did not want to be blamed again!She did not want to be emotionally controlled...it made her feel weak...she wanted to be strong!

It could not be helped....but still she would realise her destiny....she would find freedom...success....money....fame....power...and hopefully someday her endless love for everybody would be requited by somebody who would accept her for who she really was...a little child who once dared to dream and was still dreaming...and had the power to lay the world at his feet provided he proved his devotion to her. She would surrender all and let him take control if he was worthy enough...But how long did she have to wait?

She was content at last in the realisation that she could achieve wat she wanted without running after it....it would come to her...because she would make sure she deserved it enough.
And her success was in her contentment...If she did not get something she thought was good she was prolly made for only the best... and though it hurt like crazy to let go of wat she thought was good....she had to still let go to create space for something that was none other than the best.

Because thats wat she was inspite of all her faults...made to be one of her kind through the rough and strange dealings of fate....THE BEST!